Melancholy.
Computer sits on my lap, almost 40 now (nearly six months away, but I've been feeling old lately), feeling just a touch sorry for myself. My previous blog bursts with activity and a sense of life - I was working it out, trying stuff, saying yes to everything that came along. Now, I spend most days at work, most nights at home, I don't see my friends from those days much anymore. Why?
Guilt, mostly, I suppose. I spent a lot of time destroying the edifices of my life because I felt guilty that I had destroyed something that so many people believed in. I remember very distinctly those days when I was contemplating tearing it all down. I would do a lot of tarot readings in those days, and the card that came up, over and over, was The Tower - lightning crashing down on a seemingly impregnable stone tower, splitting it, burning it, two figures tumble from the top. That's what I did.
I wanted more. And now I have it. It is less social, less connected, less creative, less successful, and I am older. I did this, and I would do it again. This may not be wise, but it is true. I might do it differently, in a different way, but I would still have burned it all to the ground, if I had to.
2006-2008 was challenging, and 2009 was awful. God it was terrible. 2010 was a slow dawning after the pitch black night, with a beautiful sunrise around September.
So now what? Why do this all again? Why pretend that anything can be like it was? People have moved, broken up, and the people that haven't, the ones that haven't moved on to brighter pastures, well, they seem like a lot of them are going through the motions. Maybe they are.
We can't have the world the way it was, and wanting it, harkening back to some golden age, is just my usual bullshit that I indulge in when it's past midnight on a weeknight and I know I've got an early day at work tomorrow.
It's the new year, and we can do stuff, and we can try again, and we can be humble. I can be humble, I can try again, try to build a life. There is no law saying I'm too old, I just have to be honest, damn the consequences. I've screwed up, a bunch. I've hurt people and taken good fortune for granted, I've tried to change my life and blown it up in the process, but I'm still here.
I've got a woman I love, a job that I don't hate, a musical project, a couple of places to write, and a sense that maybe I don't have to kill myself for the things I've done.
Rambling, yes, I know. But no one reads this, and it needs to be said. I need to get back on the horse.
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