Part of the reason this writing thing hasn't been so fruitful lately is that I've been afraid to say what I mean. I've been angrier and more pent-up than even when I was with Stephanie, which is saying something, but I wrote more because I didn't care what she thought. I knew she would never leave me, so I didn't worry about anything I wrote. This may have caused me to be incidentally cruel, if that even makes sense. I just said what I said, and I didn't really care about her feelings.
In contrast, I REALLY care what Katie thinks. Her good mood, her happiness, her not sulking (which she can do, like a master) is paramount to me. I gauge the weather and the tilt of the earth by her. I am so pleased that she is my wife, and so into her, that I am obviously not going to write something that I think she might read and get upset about, as it will ruin my day, possibly my week. Though, truthfully, what will she do, withhold sex? That's cruel, but see, I need to be able to say shit like that. I know she's not withholding sex deliberately, but I also know she's not taking care of herself, because she's scared to find out things are really broken, and she's scared of the pain and discomfort of finding out exactly what IS wrong.
Well, I'm gonna keep bugging her about it.
I titled this post "What did I google today?" which is fun and clever and got me checking things (add to the list "google history"). Here's the list, in case anyone is interested:
Searched for stephany yantorn
Searched for google history -
Viewed 1 result
Web History - google.com
Searched for amber benson
Searched for amber benson former vegetarian -
Viewed 1 result
Amber Benson Pics - Amber Benson Photo Gallery - 2010... - allstarpics.net
Searched for Amber Benson -
Viewed 2 results
505 x 650 - 40k
Amber Benson - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - wikipedia.org
| Best Hot Butter Rum Batter | | Paula Deen Slow Cooker... - allairportcars.com
Slow Cooker Hot Buttered Rum - Recipes for American/Canadian ... - internationalrecipes.net
A Year of Slow Cooking: Hot Buttered Rum in the CrockPot - blogspot.com
Colonial Hot Buttered Rum Recipe - Allrecipes.com - allrecipes.com
Vegetarian Slow Cooker: Hot Buttered Rum - vegetarianslowcooker.com
Searched for hot buttered rum
Searched for the function of music is to release us -
Viewed 1 result
Quote Details: Sir Thomas Beecham: The function of music...... - quotationspage.com
See the one at the top? Yeah, that's the "one that got away", sort of, not really. She's this girl that I dated who basically broke my heart and head, and led me, indirectly, of course, to marrying Steph, which was both one of the stupidest things I ever did, and one of the smartest. Smart because I picked a woman who gave me a lot of space when I needed it (and who I didn't care enough about to worry too much about) and stupid because marrying a woman that you only kinda half-love is a terrible idea. Loving somebody because you know they love you and won't break your head? Yeah, that's not really love.
So anyway, back to Yantorn, I realized that that is one search I am not entirely comfortable sharing with my jealous, red-headed, Irish, hot-tempered, prone to jumping to conclusions wife. I can, of course, and she'll store it in her steel trap memory and bring it out to torture herself (not me. No, torture is for the self. Weapons are for others.) which I would hate. I love Katie beyond all reason, I'm stupid for her, I'm terrified she'll leave me, and I live in fear that she'll stop loving me, find somebody else, think I'm less of a man, get bored with me, or otherwise remove me from the sunshine of her good graces.
I'm just one of those guys who is curious about his exes. I want to know what happened to her. She's one of probably 3 women in my life that I genuinely loved - I'm not sure that Carrie counts.
So, to sum up, I've gotta start being honest, even if it means that nobody gets to see it until I'm dead.