What did I google today?

Part of the reason this writing thing hasn't been so fruitful lately is that I've been afraid to say what I mean. I've been angrier and more pent-up than even when I was with Stephanie, which is saying something, but I wrote more because I didn't care what she thought. I knew she would never leave me, so I didn't worry about anything I wrote. This may have caused me to be incidentally cruel, if that even makes sense. I just said what I said, and I didn't really care about her feelings.

In contrast, I REALLY care what Katie thinks. Her good mood, her happiness, her not sulking (which she can do, like a master) is paramount to me. I gauge the weather and the tilt of the earth by her. I am so pleased that she is my wife, and so into her, that I am obviously not going to write something that I think she might read and get upset about, as it will ruin my day, possibly my week. Though, truthfully, what will she do, withhold sex? That's cruel, but see, I need to be able to say shit like that. I know she's not withholding sex deliberately, but I also know she's not taking care of herself, because she's scared to find out things are really broken, and she's scared of the pain and discomfort of finding out exactly what IS wrong.

Well, I'm gonna keep bugging her about it.

I titled this post "What did I google today?" which is fun and clever and got me checking things (add to the list "google history"). Here's the list, in case anyone is interested:

Today
10:32am

Searched for stephany yantorn

10:27am

Searched for google history -

Viewed 1 result


Not starred
Web History - google.com

10:23am

Searched for amber benson
10:22am

Searched for amber benson former vegetarian -

Viewed 1 result


Not starred
Amber Benson Pics - Amber Benson Photo Gallery - 2010... - allstarpics.net
10:20am

Searched for Amber Benson -

Viewed 2 results


Not starred

amber-benson.jpg
505 x 650 - 40k


Not starred
Amber Benson - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - wikipedia.org
10:15am
Not starred
| Best Hot Butter Rum Batter | | Paula Deen Slow Cooker... - allairportcars.com
10:15am
Not starred
Slow Cooker Hot Buttered Rum - Recipes for American/Canadian ... - internationalrecipes.net
10:14am
Not starred
A Year of Slow Cooking: Hot Buttered Rum in the CrockPot - blogspot.com
10:13am
Not starred
Colonial Hot Buttered Rum Recipe - Allrecipes.com - allrecipes.com
9:55am
Not starred
Vegetarian Slow Cooker: Hot Buttered Rum - vegetarianslowcooker.com

9:54am

Searched for hot buttered rum

9:32am

Searched for the function of music is to release us -

Viewed 1 result

Not starred
Quote Details: Sir Thomas Beecham: The function of music...... - quotationspage.com

See the one at the top? Yeah, that's the "one that got away", sort of, not really. She's this girl that I dated who basically broke my heart and head, and led me, indirectly, of course, to marrying Steph, which was both one of the stupidest things I ever did, and one of the smartest. Smart because I picked a woman who gave me a lot of space when I needed it (and who I didn't care enough about to worry too much about) and stupid because marrying a woman that you only kinda half-love is a terrible idea. Loving somebody because you know they love you and won't break your head? Yeah, that's not really love.

So anyway, back to Yantorn, I realized that that is one search I am not entirely comfortable sharing with my jealous, red-headed, Irish, hot-tempered, prone to jumping to conclusions wife. I can, of course, and she'll store it in her steel trap memory and bring it out to torture herself (not me. No, torture is for the self. Weapons are for others.) which I would hate. I love Katie beyond all reason, I'm stupid for her, I'm terrified she'll leave me, and I live in fear that she'll stop loving me, find somebody else, think I'm less of a man, get bored with me, or otherwise remove me from the sunshine of her good graces.

I'm just one of those guys who is curious about his exes. I want to know what happened to her. She's one of probably 3 women in my life that I genuinely loved - I'm not sure that Carrie counts.

So, to sum up, I've gotta start being honest, even if it means that nobody gets to see it until I'm dead.