So, my meeting with my friend Paul last night didn't really give me the boost I'd hoped for. Far from having useful advice or a veteran's perspective, he basically is in a similar situation, except that he has yet to complete his degree from Union. This is pretty much totally unhelpful, and we ended up emoting at each other all night about our various plans. I sound a little cranky about it, mostly because I'm in a state about money, worried about my future, and trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing.
I have an idea, but I'm not sure it's a good one. The issue I'm looking at is that I don't have a clue about how to be happy. I don't know what will make me happy in the future. Will I be happy doing theology? Would I be happy getting a degree? Will it matter, or will it be like Stephanie's useless degree, which cost a shit ton and got her nothing but debt?
A thought I had was to get a Masters of Arts in Theology at General Theological Seminary, which is the Episcopal seminary, but I'm worried that it a) won't be rigorous enough, b) won't be prestigious enough, c) won't be applicable. The Episcopal seminary has a degree in Ascetic Theology, and, like most things in my beloved church, is well outside the mainstream of Systematic Theology. However, in reading about Ascetic Theology, it seems to be very close to what I'm interested in.
If I had to put it into words, I'd say that what I really want to talk about is the overlap between theology and meditation, in other words, I don't want to just *think* about God, I want to find a way to encounter him directly. Eastern Religions (e.g. Buddhism, Hinduism) have proven and studied techniques for the access of other states of consciousness, and even Islam has techniques for approaching God (zikr, salat). Christianity, while it has these techniques, de-emphasized them through the years.
Obviously, we're not talking (at least not exactly talking) about gnosticism, though there is a connection. God is not "knowable" the way we know about dogs, or roses, or stars, but a direct connection is what I'm interested in, and what I want to talk about. A connection to this world, to the people around me, and to the God of creation. I'm looking for a cure for the alienation that I see around me and that I feel in myself. Not only that, but I want that connection, that discussion about that connection, to help me make my way in this world. I realize on the face of it that that is kind of a mess. In Islam, the saints have a trade. I will, most likely, never be a saint. I have difficulty even being sort of a nice guy, let alone a saint.
So, here's the possibilities as I see them:
Apply to General Theological Seminary for an M.A. in Ascetical Theology
- pros: Type of theology I'm interested in (at least on first glance), probably easier to get into, cheaper, part-time program, might be good prep for later degrees
- cons: less prestigious, (possibly) less rigorous, might be a waste of time, non-mainstream theology limits future options
Apply to Union Theological Seminary for M.A. is Systematic Theology
- pros: (relatively more) prestigious, rigorous, excellent prep for future degrees, Ivy League (parental/spousal/societal approval), excellent contacts for future work
- cons: more expensive, full-time, WAY more work, language requirements
- possible concerns: might not be a good fit
There are other issues, but I just wanted to get this out of my head, and onto the interwebs.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
2/9/11 Straw Gods
I had an argument with a TV character. An ANIMATED TV character, no less. Also, the argument was in my head, so there's that. All told, not one of my finer moments, but one I feel a need to share.
Brian from Family Guy is an atheist. Yes, Brian is also an animated, fictional, talking dog, but he represents a point of view I hear a lot on the internet. The usual arguments for atheism tend to revolve around the same few tropes, and Brian often comes back to them (to be fair to Seth MacFarlane, I sometimes have difficulty telling if Brian is meant to be a parody of a self-righteous atheist, or an actual representative of atheism's chief arguments).
The one that particularly got under my skin is the one that goes something like, "Well when we looked into space with the Hubble Telescope, nobody saw a giant old man with a white beard." The idea that believers in God, whatever flavor they may choose, believe literally in their particular anthropomorphic version of Divinity as represented in art is a little disingenuous.
Let's be clear. Most people I know who believe in God don't believe in that version of God either. God is not a white, bearded, old (sometimes more-or-less virile) old man sitting on a cloud somewhere in space. Almost nobody for a moment takes that seriously. There are versions of faith out there that believe all the Sunday School versions of the bible: the six days of creation, the rivers turning to blood, the walking on water, etc. etc. etc. But that's not stuff I believe, nor does anyone I know who has given it more than a few minutes thought.
When the bible says "Man was made in God's image," that phrase has a very specific meaning. We are in the image of God, insofar as we are participants in creation. The creative principle by which the world came into being is the same creative urge that infuses our highest aspirations. When we speak (cf. Emil Brunner) we engage in the same process that spoke the world into existence. There are indications that the words we use to describe our world to ourselves literally help to create that world, and insofar as we change our ways of thinking about the world, we change our experience of the world. We are not fleshy, poorly made copies of a more perfect body, but embodiments of the creative principle that made the universe.
So if God is not the "old man on a cloud" what is He? The atheist sets up the clearly poetical and metaphorical representation of Michelangelo's God, and then proceeds to tear it down. But that God is not my God, not the God I know (though he is useful as a metaphor - more on that in a later post).
One of the things I love about religion, in spite of its many shortcomings, is the language it uses, and one of the most beautiful phrases I've heard to describe God is as that in which we "live, move, and have our being." On my Facebook page, I describe my beliefs as "Panentheist." This is in contrast to "Pantheist" which, when I was a kid, I thought made a lot of sense. Pantheism is the idea that God IS the universe, that they are equivalent: everything we encounter is God, as are we, and the entire universe is God revealing Himself to Himself. Lots of very smart people whom I respect a great deal (Alan Watts, Robert Anton Wilson, Timothy Leary) believe that, or some variation thereof, and as a model, it's pretty good. Pretty good, but it doesn't go far enough. When I finally figured out that it, to a degree, depersonalized God, it lost some of its shine. My experience of God as loving Father and friend wasn’t supported by this rather more impersonal version of Him.
Panentheism is the idea that God both pervades the universe, and that the universe is within God. God is in us, and we are in Him. This pervasiveness is what causes the universe to continue to be. The universe in no way "contains" God, in the sense of a pitcher containing water, or even "is" God, in the way that a series of systems (engine, drive train, tires, electrical system, etc.) "is" a car. It reverses the emphasis in a crucial way. God creates us, sustains us, is (as the Quran says) closer to us than our jugular vein, even, in a way, IS each of us and everything we see, and yet is not exclusively and only us.
So to get back to the original point, how does this version of God reconcile with the one the atheists tend to argue against? God as a doddering old man (I’m looking at you Philip Pullman) is a perfect “straw man” argument:science has not yet found, and will not ever (as far as I can tell) find the Old Man Sitting on a Cloud(tm). That’s not God, and if it makes any atheists feel better, I don’t believe in that version either. The vision of God (and again, we can only speak metaphorically when we speak of the Ground of Being) painted by Panentheism has the benefit of being less ridiculous, at the very least, and also doesn’t contradict science. Fundamentalists and children believe in Old Man God, and atheism, while a valid choice in the face of evidence, should do better than disprove a conception of God that most thinking people don’t believe in anyway.
Brian from Family Guy is an atheist. Yes, Brian is also an animated, fictional, talking dog, but he represents a point of view I hear a lot on the internet. The usual arguments for atheism tend to revolve around the same few tropes, and Brian often comes back to them (to be fair to Seth MacFarlane, I sometimes have difficulty telling if Brian is meant to be a parody of a self-righteous atheist, or an actual representative of atheism's chief arguments).
The one that particularly got under my skin is the one that goes something like, "Well when we looked into space with the Hubble Telescope, nobody saw a giant old man with a white beard." The idea that believers in God, whatever flavor they may choose, believe literally in their particular anthropomorphic version of Divinity as represented in art is a little disingenuous.
Let's be clear. Most people I know who believe in God don't believe in that version of God either. God is not a white, bearded, old (sometimes more-or-less virile) old man sitting on a cloud somewhere in space. Almost nobody for a moment takes that seriously. There are versions of faith out there that believe all the Sunday School versions of the bible: the six days of creation, the rivers turning to blood, the walking on water, etc. etc. etc. But that's not stuff I believe, nor does anyone I know who has given it more than a few minutes thought.
When the bible says "Man was made in God's image," that phrase has a very specific meaning. We are in the image of God, insofar as we are participants in creation. The creative principle by which the world came into being is the same creative urge that infuses our highest aspirations. When we speak (cf. Emil Brunner) we engage in the same process that spoke the world into existence. There are indications that the words we use to describe our world to ourselves literally help to create that world, and insofar as we change our ways of thinking about the world, we change our experience of the world. We are not fleshy, poorly made copies of a more perfect body, but embodiments of the creative principle that made the universe.
So if God is not the "old man on a cloud" what is He? The atheist sets up the clearly poetical and metaphorical representation of Michelangelo's God, and then proceeds to tear it down. But that God is not my God, not the God I know (though he is useful as a metaphor - more on that in a later post).
One of the things I love about religion, in spite of its many shortcomings, is the language it uses, and one of the most beautiful phrases I've heard to describe God is as that in which we "live, move, and have our being." On my Facebook page, I describe my beliefs as "Panentheist." This is in contrast to "Pantheist" which, when I was a kid, I thought made a lot of sense. Pantheism is the idea that God IS the universe, that they are equivalent: everything we encounter is God, as are we, and the entire universe is God revealing Himself to Himself. Lots of very smart people whom I respect a great deal (Alan Watts, Robert Anton Wilson, Timothy Leary) believe that, or some variation thereof, and as a model, it's pretty good. Pretty good, but it doesn't go far enough. When I finally figured out that it, to a degree, depersonalized God, it lost some of its shine. My experience of God as loving Father and friend wasn’t supported by this rather more impersonal version of Him.
Panentheism is the idea that God both pervades the universe, and that the universe is within God. God is in us, and we are in Him. This pervasiveness is what causes the universe to continue to be. The universe in no way "contains" God, in the sense of a pitcher containing water, or even "is" God, in the way that a series of systems (engine, drive train, tires, electrical system, etc.) "is" a car. It reverses the emphasis in a crucial way. God creates us, sustains us, is (as the Quran says) closer to us than our jugular vein, even, in a way, IS each of us and everything we see, and yet is not exclusively and only us.
So to get back to the original point, how does this version of God reconcile with the one the atheists tend to argue against? God as a doddering old man (I’m looking at you Philip Pullman) is a perfect “straw man” argument:science has not yet found, and will not ever (as far as I can tell) find the Old Man Sitting on a Cloud(tm). That’s not God, and if it makes any atheists feel better, I don’t believe in that version either. The vision of God (and again, we can only speak metaphorically when we speak of the Ground of Being) painted by Panentheism has the benefit of being less ridiculous, at the very least, and also doesn’t contradict science. Fundamentalists and children believe in Old Man God, and atheism, while a valid choice in the face of evidence, should do better than disprove a conception of God that most thinking people don’t believe in anyway.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
2/3/11 update.
Right now the goal is trying to get back to yoga, trying to keep my wife from exploding from stress, trying to keep my band working, trying trying trying. Who really keeps track?
I'm not really working at work these days (the newest time suck: "Infinity Blade" keeps me nice and occupied when I should, perhaps, be polishing my resume and thinking about what jobs I really want to do).
Oh, and I'm really working to try to get on Jeopardy. I haven't told anyone, because I'm kind of afraid I'm not as smart as I think I am, and if I tell people, they'll find out I suck when it turns out that I didn't know which president Chester A. Arthur was. (21st, I just looked it up - he was also part of the Stalwart branch of the Republican Party, and a defender of political patronage and machine politics. After Garfield was assassinated by Guiteau, Arthur actually moderated his position, became known as the "Father of Civil Service" and put in reforms to make civil servants more accountable. He was actually pretty cool! Even Mark Twain liked him!) So I've been DVRing jeopardy and keeping score. I've been doing pretty well, with the occasional terrible game. I know a lot about what I know, but the narrow gaps in my knowledge are abysmal.
I'm not really working at work these days (the newest time suck: "Infinity Blade" keeps me nice and occupied when I should, perhaps, be polishing my resume and thinking about what jobs I really want to do).
Oh, and I'm really working to try to get on Jeopardy. I haven't told anyone, because I'm kind of afraid I'm not as smart as I think I am, and if I tell people, they'll find out I suck when it turns out that I didn't know which president Chester A. Arthur was. (21st, I just looked it up - he was also part of the Stalwart branch of the Republican Party, and a defender of political patronage and machine politics. After Garfield was assassinated by Guiteau, Arthur actually moderated his position, became known as the "Father of Civil Service" and put in reforms to make civil servants more accountable. He was actually pretty cool! Even Mark Twain liked him!) So I've been DVRing jeopardy and keeping score. I've been doing pretty well, with the occasional terrible game. I know a lot about what I know, but the narrow gaps in my knowledge are abysmal.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
vague, telling my side of the story, but not really.
We did, and then she couldn't, so we didn't, but she said she would, but she didn't, she was gonna, but then I said it, which hurt her feelings, so she didn't, so I said more, which got her madder, which made it worse, and things got darker, until we slept, and I still love her, but I feel like something's missing, and not between us, but in me. I need to man up, and I don't know how.
She wants a man, not a wimp. but what can I do?
She wants a man, not a wimp. but what can I do?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
It doesn't improve on the silence
It's a bit like cutting a boil to let the pus out. I've got all this wet sick inside me and I have no idea what to do about it. It probably won't matter in a few days, once I'm back to myself, but I need to put it somewhere where it doesn't matter, where it can sit and fester in peace.
Here's the issue - why do anything? What is the meaning of life? What a stupid fucking cliche of a question, but there we are. So, since we're asking, I mean, I'm here, let's chat: what is the meaning, the purpose of life, what is the "Ultimate concern" that Tillich speaks of?
In the sermon this past Sunday, Fr. Murphy said that Jesus life could be summed up in one line: "He went about, doing good." Why do good? It makes others happy? One could say that it is the will of God that we be happy and free, that that is what he sent Jesus here for - to free the prisoner, heal the sick, liberate the oppressed. So say I go about doing good. Who's going to heal me? Who's going to free me? It keeps coming back to this - I'll do OK for a while and then feel terrible, and the truth is, I'm pretty sure that I don't work hard enough, I'm "work-shy" as the English term it. I don't want to work that hard. I don't want to do anything, most of the time.
UGH. I'm so fucking boring when I'm like this. I know what I need to do: work harder, try again, put in the time, but why? and for what? Music? Here is a fact: I could not play another note and the world would not be one bit different. Writing seems only purposeful (and apparently has been since 1983) for venting my spleen. I mean, I can't think of the last time I wrote with such flow and ease. All I really want to do is talk shit. Well here you, little wordsmith who lives in my brain: you get to talk as much shit as you want, right here. Just vomit to your heart's content.
Anyway, theology is a sucker's game, there's nothing I really want to/can do. I wish I could just give up, stop worrying, stop pretending there's something I need to do. I'm making myself sick with it, and I just want to stop, but if I stop, I'll end up exactly where I am now, only it'll be 5 years down the road, and I'll be even further behind than I am now.
My ambition coupled with my laziness is ruining my life.
Here's the issue - why do anything? What is the meaning of life? What a stupid fucking cliche of a question, but there we are. So, since we're asking, I mean, I'm here, let's chat: what is the meaning, the purpose of life, what is the "Ultimate concern" that Tillich speaks of?
In the sermon this past Sunday, Fr. Murphy said that Jesus life could be summed up in one line: "He went about, doing good." Why do good? It makes others happy? One could say that it is the will of God that we be happy and free, that that is what he sent Jesus here for - to free the prisoner, heal the sick, liberate the oppressed. So say I go about doing good. Who's going to heal me? Who's going to free me? It keeps coming back to this - I'll do OK for a while and then feel terrible, and the truth is, I'm pretty sure that I don't work hard enough, I'm "work-shy" as the English term it. I don't want to work that hard. I don't want to do anything, most of the time.
UGH. I'm so fucking boring when I'm like this. I know what I need to do: work harder, try again, put in the time, but why? and for what? Music? Here is a fact: I could not play another note and the world would not be one bit different. Writing seems only purposeful (and apparently has been since 1983) for venting my spleen. I mean, I can't think of the last time I wrote with such flow and ease. All I really want to do is talk shit. Well here you, little wordsmith who lives in my brain: you get to talk as much shit as you want, right here. Just vomit to your heart's content.
Anyway, theology is a sucker's game, there's nothing I really want to/can do. I wish I could just give up, stop worrying, stop pretending there's something I need to do. I'm making myself sick with it, and I just want to stop, but if I stop, I'll end up exactly where I am now, only it'll be 5 years down the road, and I'll be even further behind than I am now.
My ambition coupled with my laziness is ruining my life.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
What did I google today?
Part of the reason this writing thing hasn't been so fruitful lately is that I've been afraid to say what I mean. I've been angrier and more pent-up than even when I was with Stephanie, which is saying something, but I wrote more because I didn't care what she thought. I knew she would never leave me, so I didn't worry about anything I wrote. This may have caused me to be incidentally cruel, if that even makes sense. I just said what I said, and I didn't really care about her feelings.
In contrast, I REALLY care what Katie thinks. Her good mood, her happiness, her not sulking (which she can do, like a master) is paramount to me. I gauge the weather and the tilt of the earth by her. I am so pleased that she is my wife, and so into her, that I am obviously not going to write something that I think she might read and get upset about, as it will ruin my day, possibly my week. Though, truthfully, what will she do, withhold sex? That's cruel, but see, I need to be able to say shit like that. I know she's not withholding sex deliberately, but I also know she's not taking care of herself, because she's scared to find out things are really broken, and she's scared of the pain and discomfort of finding out exactly what IS wrong.
Well, I'm gonna keep bugging her about it.
I titled this post "What did I google today?" which is fun and clever and got me checking things (add to the list "google history"). Here's the list, in case anyone is interested:
Today
10:32am
Searched for stephany yantorn
10:27am
Searched for google history -
Viewed 1 result
Not starred
Web History - google.com
10:23am
Searched for amber benson
10:22am
Searched for amber benson former vegetarian -
Viewed 1 result
Not starred
Amber Benson Pics - Amber Benson Photo Gallery - 2010... - allstarpics.net
10:20am
Searched for Amber Benson -
Viewed 2 results
Not starred
amber-benson.jpg
505 x 650 - 40k
Not starred
Amber Benson - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - wikipedia.org
10:15am
Not starred
| Best Hot Butter Rum Batter | | Paula Deen Slow Cooker... - allairportcars.com
10:15am
Not starred
Slow Cooker Hot Buttered Rum - Recipes for American/Canadian ... - internationalrecipes.net
10:14am
Not starred
A Year of Slow Cooking: Hot Buttered Rum in the CrockPot - blogspot.com
10:13am
Not starred
Colonial Hot Buttered Rum Recipe - Allrecipes.com - allrecipes.com
9:55am
Not starred
Vegetarian Slow Cooker: Hot Buttered Rum - vegetarianslowcooker.com
9:54am
Searched for hot buttered rum
9:32am
Searched for the function of music is to release us -
Viewed 1 result
Not starred
Quote Details: Sir Thomas Beecham: The function of music...... - quotationspage.com
See the one at the top? Yeah, that's the "one that got away", sort of, not really. She's this girl that I dated who basically broke my heart and head, and led me, indirectly, of course, to marrying Steph, which was both one of the stupidest things I ever did, and one of the smartest. Smart because I picked a woman who gave me a lot of space when I needed it (and who I didn't care enough about to worry too much about) and stupid because marrying a woman that you only kinda half-love is a terrible idea. Loving somebody because you know they love you and won't break your head? Yeah, that's not really love.
So anyway, back to Yantorn, I realized that that is one search I am not entirely comfortable sharing with my jealous, red-headed, Irish, hot-tempered, prone to jumping to conclusions wife. I can, of course, and she'll store it in her steel trap memory and bring it out to torture herself (not me. No, torture is for the self. Weapons are for others.) which I would hate. I love Katie beyond all reason, I'm stupid for her, I'm terrified she'll leave me, and I live in fear that she'll stop loving me, find somebody else, think I'm less of a man, get bored with me, or otherwise remove me from the sunshine of her good graces.
I'm just one of those guys who is curious about his exes. I want to know what happened to her. She's one of probably 3 women in my life that I genuinely loved - I'm not sure that Carrie counts.
So, to sum up, I've gotta start being honest, even if it means that nobody gets to see it until I'm dead.
In contrast, I REALLY care what Katie thinks. Her good mood, her happiness, her not sulking (which she can do, like a master) is paramount to me. I gauge the weather and the tilt of the earth by her. I am so pleased that she is my wife, and so into her, that I am obviously not going to write something that I think she might read and get upset about, as it will ruin my day, possibly my week. Though, truthfully, what will she do, withhold sex? That's cruel, but see, I need to be able to say shit like that. I know she's not withholding sex deliberately, but I also know she's not taking care of herself, because she's scared to find out things are really broken, and she's scared of the pain and discomfort of finding out exactly what IS wrong.
Well, I'm gonna keep bugging her about it.
I titled this post "What did I google today?" which is fun and clever and got me checking things (add to the list "google history"). Here's the list, in case anyone is interested:
Today
10:32am
Searched for stephany yantorn
10:27am
Searched for google history -
Viewed 1 result
Not starred
Web History - google.com
10:23am
Searched for amber benson
10:22am
Searched for amber benson former vegetarian -
Viewed 1 result
Not starred
Amber Benson Pics - Amber Benson Photo Gallery - 2010... - allstarpics.net
10:20am
Searched for Amber Benson -
Viewed 2 results
Not starred
amber-benson.jpg
505 x 650 - 40k
Not starred
Amber Benson - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - wikipedia.org
10:15am
Not starred
| Best Hot Butter Rum Batter | | Paula Deen Slow Cooker... - allairportcars.com
10:15am
Not starred
Slow Cooker Hot Buttered Rum - Recipes for American/Canadian ... - internationalrecipes.net
10:14am
Not starred
A Year of Slow Cooking: Hot Buttered Rum in the CrockPot - blogspot.com
10:13am
Not starred
Colonial Hot Buttered Rum Recipe - Allrecipes.com - allrecipes.com
9:55am
Not starred
Vegetarian Slow Cooker: Hot Buttered Rum - vegetarianslowcooker.com
9:54am
Searched for hot buttered rum
9:32am
Searched for the function of music is to release us -
Viewed 1 result
Not starred
Quote Details: Sir Thomas Beecham: The function of music...... - quotationspage.com
See the one at the top? Yeah, that's the "one that got away", sort of, not really. She's this girl that I dated who basically broke my heart and head, and led me, indirectly, of course, to marrying Steph, which was both one of the stupidest things I ever did, and one of the smartest. Smart because I picked a woman who gave me a lot of space when I needed it (and who I didn't care enough about to worry too much about) and stupid because marrying a woman that you only kinda half-love is a terrible idea. Loving somebody because you know they love you and won't break your head? Yeah, that's not really love.
So anyway, back to Yantorn, I realized that that is one search I am not entirely comfortable sharing with my jealous, red-headed, Irish, hot-tempered, prone to jumping to conclusions wife. I can, of course, and she'll store it in her steel trap memory and bring it out to torture herself (not me. No, torture is for the self. Weapons are for others.) which I would hate. I love Katie beyond all reason, I'm stupid for her, I'm terrified she'll leave me, and I live in fear that she'll stop loving me, find somebody else, think I'm less of a man, get bored with me, or otherwise remove me from the sunshine of her good graces.
I'm just one of those guys who is curious about his exes. I want to know what happened to her. She's one of probably 3 women in my life that I genuinely loved - I'm not sure that Carrie counts.
So, to sum up, I've gotta start being honest, even if it means that nobody gets to see it until I'm dead.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
Melancholy.
Computer sits on my lap, almost 40 now (nearly six months away, but I've been feeling old lately), feeling just a touch sorry for myself. My previous blog bursts with activity and a sense of life - I was working it out, trying stuff, saying yes to everything that came along. Now, I spend most days at work, most nights at home, I don't see my friends from those days much anymore. Why?
Guilt, mostly, I suppose. I spent a lot of time destroying the edifices of my life because I felt guilty that I had destroyed something that so many people believed in. I remember very distinctly those days when I was contemplating tearing it all down. I would do a lot of tarot readings in those days, and the card that came up, over and over, was The Tower - lightning crashing down on a seemingly impregnable stone tower, splitting it, burning it, two figures tumble from the top. That's what I did.
I wanted more. And now I have it. It is less social, less connected, less creative, less successful, and I am older. I did this, and I would do it again. This may not be wise, but it is true. I might do it differently, in a different way, but I would still have burned it all to the ground, if I had to.
2006-2008 was challenging, and 2009 was awful. God it was terrible. 2010 was a slow dawning after the pitch black night, with a beautiful sunrise around September.
So now what? Why do this all again? Why pretend that anything can be like it was? People have moved, broken up, and the people that haven't, the ones that haven't moved on to brighter pastures, well, they seem like a lot of them are going through the motions. Maybe they are.
We can't have the world the way it was, and wanting it, harkening back to some golden age, is just my usual bullshit that I indulge in when it's past midnight on a weeknight and I know I've got an early day at work tomorrow.
It's the new year, and we can do stuff, and we can try again, and we can be humble. I can be humble, I can try again, try to build a life. There is no law saying I'm too old, I just have to be honest, damn the consequences. I've screwed up, a bunch. I've hurt people and taken good fortune for granted, I've tried to change my life and blown it up in the process, but I'm still here.
I've got a woman I love, a job that I don't hate, a musical project, a couple of places to write, and a sense that maybe I don't have to kill myself for the things I've done.
Rambling, yes, I know. But no one reads this, and it needs to be said. I need to get back on the horse.
Computer sits on my lap, almost 40 now (nearly six months away, but I've been feeling old lately), feeling just a touch sorry for myself. My previous blog bursts with activity and a sense of life - I was working it out, trying stuff, saying yes to everything that came along. Now, I spend most days at work, most nights at home, I don't see my friends from those days much anymore. Why?
Guilt, mostly, I suppose. I spent a lot of time destroying the edifices of my life because I felt guilty that I had destroyed something that so many people believed in. I remember very distinctly those days when I was contemplating tearing it all down. I would do a lot of tarot readings in those days, and the card that came up, over and over, was The Tower - lightning crashing down on a seemingly impregnable stone tower, splitting it, burning it, two figures tumble from the top. That's what I did.
I wanted more. And now I have it. It is less social, less connected, less creative, less successful, and I am older. I did this, and I would do it again. This may not be wise, but it is true. I might do it differently, in a different way, but I would still have burned it all to the ground, if I had to.
2006-2008 was challenging, and 2009 was awful. God it was terrible. 2010 was a slow dawning after the pitch black night, with a beautiful sunrise around September.
So now what? Why do this all again? Why pretend that anything can be like it was? People have moved, broken up, and the people that haven't, the ones that haven't moved on to brighter pastures, well, they seem like a lot of them are going through the motions. Maybe they are.
We can't have the world the way it was, and wanting it, harkening back to some golden age, is just my usual bullshit that I indulge in when it's past midnight on a weeknight and I know I've got an early day at work tomorrow.
It's the new year, and we can do stuff, and we can try again, and we can be humble. I can be humble, I can try again, try to build a life. There is no law saying I'm too old, I just have to be honest, damn the consequences. I've screwed up, a bunch. I've hurt people and taken good fortune for granted, I've tried to change my life and blown it up in the process, but I'm still here.
I've got a woman I love, a job that I don't hate, a musical project, a couple of places to write, and a sense that maybe I don't have to kill myself for the things I've done.
Rambling, yes, I know. But no one reads this, and it needs to be said. I need to get back on the horse.
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